My Top Five Rash, Reckless Predictions for 2025

We’ve had an intermittent tradition here at The Stream of offering crackpot, outrageous predictions for the upcoming calendar year. And every year, we somehow fail: Our efforts at nutball satire and over-the-top imaginings always fall far, far short of how absurd the next year really turns out. If anyone in 2019 had predicted the COVID panic, the lockdowns, the election steal, and the January 6 police riot that followed it, we probably would have strapped him down and sedated him.

But fear not, 2025 has plenty of nonsense, madness, and futility in store to keep cynics satisfied. Have faith in human nature.

The Gadarene Party’s failure back in November to drown us all in the sea might suggest that 2025 will offer much smoother sailing. Don’t bet on it. If history is any predictor, the fact that the Democrats were forced to take their boot off Republicans’ faces will simply give the GOP the chance to stand up — and start hitting itself, like the deranged narrator in Fight Club.

Some Evils Are Off the Table

Of course, I’m more hopeful than I would be had Kamala Harris ridden her “brat energy” and billion-dollar campaign of self-righteous gibbering straight into the Oval Office. I’m no longer preparing myself for FBI agents using rams to knock down my front door. I don’t expect cross-dressing generals to rededicate the chapel at West Point to Satan while editors at Christianity Today run earnest columns calling that ceremony one of the “blessings of liberty.” I doubt that Pope Francis will have the nerve, with Trump in office, to solemnly enshrine Che Guevara as the fourth Person of the Trinity.

Instead, we’ll sample different vintages of silliness, as the disparate strands of the MAGA coalition and the dissonant voices in Donald Trump’s inner orbit squabble over power and he fitfully keeps one promise then breaks another. That’s just what politicians do — unless they’re iron-fisted ideologues, of course. Hitler kept every bloody-minded promise he made in Mein Kampf, God help us.

Here’s what I see happening in 2025.

#1. Mike Johnson Goes MAGA

I predict that slippery House Speaker Mike Johnson will acquire a spine and become a reliable ally to Donald Trump and the MAGA movement after Trump personally buys up all copies of whatever compromising photos or videos the Democrats have been holding over Johnson’s head. I’d speculate recklessly over what those kompromat media might contain, but that would be unbiblical. Let such things “not even be named among you” (Ephesians 5:3).

#2. Peace Comes to Ukraine, and Zelensky Comes to Cable TV

The grinding, futile war in Ukraine that NATO expansion and a CIA coup helped provoke and Biden’s demented incompetence invited will finally end — some 600,000 pointless casualties later. The Trump administration will twist the arms of each of the two corrupt, illiberal regimes involved in the conflict, with threats of arms cutoffs to Ukraine and hardball moves against Russian interests in the Middle East.

No longer propped up by the American Deep State and discredited by his feckless servitude to foreign masters, Ukrainian President Volodmir Zelensky will lose power and flee the country on a Gulfstream jet personally provided by Barack Obama. On his arrival in Los Angeles, he will become the toast of the town and return to his previous career as a comedian. In fact, he will become the new host of The Daily Show, churning out raunchy woke jokes in heavily accented English — forcing that show’s many dozens of faithful viewers to turn on subtitles.

#3. Canada Will Resist U.S. Expansionism and Double Down on Death

Donald Trump trolled the world by mocking the intolerant, dictatorial Canadian Prime Minister Justin “Fidel” Trudeau, suggesting that if Canada couldn’t survive without predatory tariffs on U.S. goods, it might just have to become the fifty-first U.S. state. That briefly humiliated Trudeau and threatened the fall of his government — which infamously persecuted truckers for protesting the lockdown and imprisons Christian preachers for quoting Scripture.

But any real U.S. moves to acquire the desirable parts of Canada (that is, everything except Ontario and Quebec) would provoke an unexpected upsurge of submerged Canadian nationalism. I predict this would save Trudeau from well-deserved political oblivion and give him the political juice to greatly expand the one really successful program he has enacted: mass euthanasia. Instead of just putting to sleep people suffering from obesity and depression, the socialist national health program would expand its “death with dignity” initiative to conservatives and Christians. “Want to see Jesus?” Trudeau will quip in a televised address. “We can arrange for that.”

#4. Trump Uses the Nuclear Option to Enforce an Immigration Pause

The Biden years saw massive caravans of illegal immigrants marching north from Latin America, funded by Soros-linked NGOs and coordinated by human trafficking cartels such as Catholic Charities. Foreign leaders in places like Mexico and Panama were quick to encourage disgruntled citizens to hit the road, as long as none of them tried to stick around in their countries. Instead, they greased their paths straight to the U.S.’s broken border.

Trump will put a decisive end to such caravans by shutting the critical (and mostly uninhabited) Darien Gap, the chokepoint for all such caravans. His move will be quick and final, in the form of a high-yield, ground-burst hydrogen bomb hitting that already inhospitable wasteland, rendering it unsafe for most organic life for tens of thousands of years. (Let the next Democrat president try to overturn that executive order!) The only mammals coming north from the Darien Gap after that will be capybaras with extra eyes and luminous fur.
Also, Trump will finally adopt my repeated suggestion and find a way to set the Rio Grande permanently on fire, like Midwestern rivers in the 1970s.

#5. Elon Musk Will Realize He’s Actually Pro-Life

The puzzling, enigmatic megabillionaire Elon Musk is still a work in progress. While on the one hand he agonizes over the world’s plummeting birth rates, his companies responded to the end of Roe v. Wade by promising to fly employees out of pro-life states to get abortions elsewhere — and of course, get right back to work afterward. Musk favors free speech and America’s restoration to greatness while partnering with our enemy, tyrannical Communist China. He’s obsessed with technical progress, but his electric cars rely on African children brutally mining the cobalt for their batteries.

At some point, even somebody with Musk’s atypical neurological structure will crack. The cognitive dissonance will simply prove too exhausting. Instead of becoming a full-on, pro-human extinction James Bond villain like Bill Gates, George Soros, or Warren Buffet, I predict that Musk will follow his better angels and end up more like genuine philanthropist Andrew Carnegie. He will redirect some of the funding for his flashy, useless space colonization plans into finding safer, child-friendly means of extracting cobalt. He will realize that abortion is actually the opposite of childbirth and begin quietly supporting pro-life charities. He will see that whatever short-term benefits China offers him, the regime will ultimately violate all his patents and steal his trade secrets too.

And in his final days, Musk will embrace full-on apostolic Christianity, like previous almost-world emperor Charles V dying in the full habit of a humble Franciscan friar.

Not all of that will happen in 2025, of course. But we’ll start to see the first hopeful stirrings soon.

Happy New Year!

John Zmirak is a senior editor at The Stream and author or coauthor of 14 books, including The Politically Incorrect Guide to Immigration and The Politically Incorrect Guide to Catholicism. His newest book is No Second Amendment, No First.

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