7 New Features Coming To United Airlines Courtesy Of Drag Queen CEO

This week, United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby revealed his love for throwing on a dress and twerking in public – but Kirby still has a few secrets hidden under that wig! Here are seven exciting new features coming to your next United Airlines flight, courtesy of its drag queen leader:

  1. Oxygen masks will be replaced by feather boas and glitter: Remember, put on your own feather boa before assisting those next to you.
  2. The pre-flight safety demonstration will be replaced by the crew dancing to “It’s Raining Men”: Hallelujah!
  3. The exit row will now be outfitted with stripper poles: Extra leg room comes with extra glitter.
  4. An in-flight drag show will begin as soon as the ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ sign goes off: United still recommends passengers remain seated while drag queens roam the aisle.
  5. No more free nuts: Too bad!
  6. Next to the ‘Flight Attendant Call’ button there is now a ‘Drag Queen Call Button’: They look very similar, but the drag queen button has a wig. Choose wisely.
  7. In the event of a water landing, passengers may use the pilot’s fake boobs as a floatation device: Very generous!

If those don’t sound appealing, there’s always that airline where the doors blow off. Happy traveling!

Despite their best efforts, Planned Parenthood isn’t killing as many babies as their founder would have wanted. It’s time for a rebrand!

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